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We all go through ups and downs in relationships whether it be with friends, family or your significant other. We often want to express ourselves & get opinions or advice from others. Well this a place to do just that! You can comment/ask publicly or anonymously, participate in polls and more.
Scenario: My boyfriend buys me the most ridiculous clothes! He knows I don't wear tight clothes. I don't feel good in them with my body type right now. I don't know what to say without making him mad.
Response: Most men do not know how to shop for female clothing. They do not realize that it is not as easy as picking a size and running to the register. Women are picky and with good reason! A size small at one store may run big or small at another and we all have different curves. This is why you find women using fitting rooms more than men. I'm going to give a few suggestions for your problem, but first let's address your man's gifting habit.
It is true that sometimes men selfishly buy clothing because they want to see you in it, not realizing we are not all celebrities with personal trainers to sculpt us into what some insane person suggested is the perfect body. Other times the man truly just lacks style. However, sometimes a man buys what we may find unflattering because he truly believes we are beautiful enough to pull it off. If this is the case in your situation, you should feel wonderful that your man feels this way about you.
Now, here are a 5 quick suggestions for this problem:
1. Gift card! I am a huge lover of gift cards because you can purchase what you like! It takes out all the guess work. So gently express to your guy that you love gift cards and why.
2. Start shopping together. Once he shops with you a few times, he will start to pick up on your taste and how you determine your sizing, etc.
3. Accessorize! So you don't like the tight dress he gave you? Well, try to glam it up in your own style. Find a cute jacket or sweater to go with it or add something from your current wardrobe that makes you feel comfortable.
4. Strongly hint of other non-clothing items you like. When a commercial airs for a digital camera you like say "Baby I LOVE that camera, it would be great to have one!" and do the same for items you see in stores. Really make it clear that you absolutely love and want these items. He will remember!
5. Wishlist! If your favorite store sells online, they most likely have a wishlist function. Wishlists let you save your favorite items, along with size & color, for later purchase. You can email the list to others to share or print them. Make a wishlist and let him know about it. When he wants to purchase something for you, he simply clicks add to cart and checkout! My guy and I use wishlists and it is great! It makes it so much easier for him to purchase clothing he knows I will love because I picked them out. Give it a try!
If all fails and you continue to receive clothing items you do not like, just let it be. Be appreciative that he is loving and considerate enough to provide a gift at all. After all, it means he was thinking of you and there is no better gift than that!
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Posted in
Gifts,
Shopping,
Understanding Women
by Mina Slater
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Scenario: Do you believe in love at first site? I've been seeing this girl for like 3 weeks, I told her I love her and she didn't believe me.
Response: I personally cannot say I believe in love at first site. I do however believe there can be attraction and very strong chemistry between two people who have just met. But everyone is different, it really depends on the people involved. I'm going to get into reasons why this girl may not believe you love but first let's address love.
You need to understand that there are different types and levels of love. There is love for family, which levels can be different for your parents, siblings, extended family and your children. There is friendly love, where you love others but not romantically. There is romantic love, however just because you love your significant other does not mean you are in love with them. We've all probably heard the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line at least once in life. We hate it but it is truly how the person saying it feels.
Do you truly believe that you love this woman after 3 weeks of knowing her? Do you know about her to love her? Everything seems perfect in the beginning of any relationship but as time goes by you get to learn more about the person. If in 2 months you discover that she is not perfect are you going to dump her? Do you know her likes and dislikes, personal or family values, goals and dreams? Have you found all her little habits that annoy you? Believe me they will come!
If you do not take the time to know someone beyond the general date talk then you cannot possibly love the person. You love her laugh, smile, hair, eyes, and lips. You have some common interests. This is not love. It is lust, fondness or a plain old crush. Those feelings are easily confused with love. Anyway, let's get to some reasons she may not believe you love her at this point.
1. Why? Before you let your mouth form the words "I love you" you need to know your reasons for loving this person. She may be wondering why you love her so early in the relationship. What are you basing this love on? Being nice, funny and attractive for a few weeks is not enough.
2. Player! She may take your early declaration of love as a play boy move. Thoughts would be that you use the love line for all the girls to wrap them around your play boy finger.
3. Chemistry. You are attracted to each but have you connected on a deeper level yet? You have fun together but have you had real conversations about your past, present and future?
4. Emotional mess. Usually women are the first to say those words. Men do not usually express themselves so soon. So doing this usually signals us to think you may have some emotional baggage that makes you feel desperate for someone to love.
5. Definition. She may think that someone who loves her after a few movie and dinner date does not know what love is.
There are many things that could be going through her mind. But most importantly, just because you tell her you love her does not mean she feels the love. Also, she may say she doesn't believe you so the subject can be dropped. This is because she may not feel that way about you at this time. Timing is very important in relationships and you must try not to come on too strong. Let the relationship play itself out, pay attention to her vibes and you will know when the time is right for everything.
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Posted in
Dating,
Love,
Understanding Women
by Mina Slater
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Scenario: My little brother has been staying with me since he got kicked out of his girlfriend's apartment a few months ago. He's driving me nuts! I want him out but I don't want to be a bad sister. What would you do?
Response: Let me start by saying that in no way would you be a bad sister for wanting your brother to move out of your home. It shows that you are a loving sister for the mere fact that you allowed him to stay there at all! I feel for you, we all love our personal space!
If you did not establish a general length of stay from the start, now is the time to address the issue. Decide how much longer you can handle him being there before he completely drives you up the wall. Also, try to think of how much time he realistically needs to get a place of his own or find an alternative living situation.
If he is paying rent or utilities while he is staying with you, you may want to nix that so he saves his money to get out of your hair even sooner! Once you have a deadline in place, make it clear to him that you mean business. Let him know you will help as much as you can but you have your own responsibilities to take care of.
Again, wanting your brother out and setting demands does not make you a bad sister. The fact that you are siblings does not mean you are responsible for each other. It does not require you to take care of him or give him the right to live off of you. Try to hang in there and make sure you set those goals to avoid any damage to your relationship on account of driving each other crazy under one roof!
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Posted in
Respect,
Sibling Rivalry,
Ultimatums
by Mina Slater
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Scenario: I was on a double date last week. Everything went great but in the middle of lunch one of the girls says she had to use the bathroom. Then my date just got up and went with her. Why do women always go to the bathroom together? What do you do in there?
Response: There are top secret parties in the ladies room, I am talking V.I.P. here! Okay, seriously there are many reasons women often excuse themselves in groups and head to the ladies room. Here are some possibilities:
1. To go potty! Wow, women actually go to the ladies room to use the toilet. What a concept!
2. Mirror, mirror on the wall...maybe to check our hair, touch up makeup or see if we have food in our teeth.
3. Hygiene. Some people really like to make their dentists proud and at least rinse, if not brush after meals.
4. Strength in numbers! With all the crazies out there do you really blame us for traveling in pairs?
5. To guard the door. The ladies room is not always what you imagine, tons of them a disgusting. There are times when the stall doors are broken and you need a friend to hold it closed and make sure no one interrupts while we do our business!
6. Purse holder! Again, gross bathrooms with no place to hang our purses. It is so not going on the floor!
7. Odd silence. If it's a first or second date, we do not want to be the only woman sitting at the table with the two new guys we do not really know unless we are comfortable. Especially laid back or shy women. Talk about an awkward moment!
8. Plotting how to ditch you. Ouch! I know that's a tough one, but sometimes it is true. Only if it is a really bad date or the chemistry just isn't there. We may plan a way to easily let you down and immediately end the torturous date or kill the "date vibe" to maintain a chance at friendship.
We do not always go to the restroom in packs, it all depends on the moment.
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Posted in
Dating,
Understanding Women
by Mina Slater
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Scenario: A guy I've been dating just found out I'm a dancer at a gentleman's club. He says I quit or else. I don't think he has the right to tell me what to do but I don't want to lose him.
Response: First, a question. You say he found out you're a dancer. By that do you mean you told him or he discovered this on his own? Hopefully he heard this information directly from you. It is extremely important in relationships that information come directly from the source.
Now, as far as him telling you to quit or else, you are right...sort of. He does not have the right to demand that you quit your job. He does however have the right to give you an ultimatum; lose the job or lose the guy. He is obviously not okay with you being a dancer. You did not disclose your occupation with him in the beginning, giving him no choice of whether to continue dating you or not.
I am not going to tell your job is wrong or right, that is up to you. But you must understand his point of view. Your guy must have some ill feelings about dating a girl that fully exposes her body to other men and/or women. He may be worried about your safety. What if his friends or family find out, or worse, what if they see you? You should sit and talk with him about his objections and express your reasons for doing what you do. If the ultimatum still exists after that, you need to decide which is more important to you...dancing at an adult club or keeping your man.
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Posted in
Career,
Ultimatums
by Mina Slater
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Scenario:My boyfriend is always staring at other girls. Right in front of me! It makes me feel really low about myself and I get so mad at the girls he looks at. When I tell him to stop he just laughs at me and says I am overreacting. He needs to stop or else he will be single!
Response: This is classic. Okay, both men and women look at the opposite sex. However their is a huge difference between a glance and a stare. The latter is disrespectful. I do not understand why you are upset at the women your boyfriend stares at though. It is not their fault that he has wandering eyes.
You need to tell him how you feel. Not in a jealous psycho kind of way, this is where his laughter comes in. Talk to him in a sincere "this hurts me" manner. Don't do it in the heat of the moment. Bring the topic up when your eating dinner in private. Don't talk at him, talk to him. Have a discussion telling him how you feel and listen to what he has to say for himself as well. Let him know this is affecting your self esteem, trust in him and the relationship in general.
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Posted in
Insecurity,
Respect
by Mina Slater
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Scenario: Whenever I give gifts to people they never use them. They probably throw them away or re-gift! My friend thinks I might just be bad at picking gifts out. I love all the stuff I give, I just don't get it.
Response: Giving gifts can be hard work sometimes. You have to really know a person's likes and dislikes. That is a big reason why gift cards have become so popular! It allows the individual to purchase what they want. We are all unique and just because we have a lot in common does not mean we like the same items.
If you decide to skip the gift card because you want the gift to be personal and thoughtful, here are 3 tips to get you started:
1. Snoop a bit! Ask people close to the recipient if they have heard about an item they really want.
2. Know your subject! What is their favorite color, store, brand, etc.
3. Put yourself in their shoes! When you pick up an item, ask yourself if they will like it. Who cares if you like it and think it's cool? It's not for you!
If you give a gift and someone does not use it, it is not a reason to get upset. It simply isn't their style or something they have use for at the moment. As long as they say thank you in appreciation that you gave them a gift, all should be Buttafly. After all, it is the thought that counts!
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Posted in
Gifts,
Shopping
by Mina Slater
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Scenario: My sister, who is 26 years old, is a fun loving party goer. She drinks, curses, smokes and hooks up with guys. But when she is around our parents she is a completely different person! Our parents favor her and I can't stand it! We both graduated college and have good jobs. We are like the same person except she acts so innocent and I keep it real. I feel like she needs to grow up and stop being scared of our parents. It is like she is lying to them which makes me look like the bad one. I feel like outing her!
Response: Honestly we all have moments when we are not our true selves. This does not necessarily mean we are being fake or lying, it is just a toned down version of who we are. Do you behave the same way at work as you would a party? Most likely not. Your sister "acting innocent" around your parents may be her way of respecting their expectations of her behavior. There are many times in life in which we may need to tone down our personalities or act professional. Such as meeting some one's parents, attending a family gathering, participating in a business meeting, etc. These are not times to be the flirty, drunk, party girl.
Honestly, do you talk about hooking up with guys or partying with your parents? For most women, the thought of their parents hearing about their wild side makes them very uncomfortable. We all have things we do not want parents or certain other people to know about our lives. This is not because we are hiding, lying or being fake. It is merely about respect levels, privacy and often times the avoidance of conflict or judgment. It is possible that your sister may feel ashamed of certain things she has done.
Let's talk about how annoyed you feel thinking your parents favor your "innocent" sister. It is understandable to a point. Anyone with a sibling has felt their parent favored one over the other at some point in life. It hurts and makes you feel jealous and resentful of your sibling. But generally, parents love all their children. What seems to be favoring at times is merely your parent knowing that a specific child needs their guidance and attention a bit more at the moment. Even if a parent does have a closer bond with your sibling, it does not mean they do not love you or think any less of you. It could simply be a sign that your parents hover over you less because they believe you are their stronger child.
Wanting to air your sister's dirty laundry is an act of frustration, a bit of lingering jealousy and possibly a plea for attention. These feelings that usually stem from childhood, are not healthy to carry into adulthood. To tattle on your 26 year old sister would probably backfire and be viewed as a rather childish act. It may even hurt your relationship with her if she views it as a betrayal. Your sister is not breaking any laws or hurting anyone by withholding her private details. It is as much her right to maintain her privacy as it is your right to be open about yours. Honestly, parents are fully aware that their kids are good people but they are no angels. We have done things they do not care to hear about. No one is perfect. They know...it is simply not discussed.
Although you think it may give you a moment of satisfaction, it is not a good idea to "out" your sister. It will not feel as good as you think and it is not worth it. Take the high road, be the bigger person and turn the other cheek. If she wants to keep her business to herself, more power to her. You want to be open with the people in your life and that is great for you. It makes you feel good and honest being upfront, so continue to do so!
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Posted in
Sibling Rivalry
by Mina Slater
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