Showing posts with label Respect. Show all posts
3 years ago
Shadow, Shadow Everywhere!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Scenario: My girl is always around. She wants to be with me every spare minute and when we're not together she's calling and texting. She even calls my family and friends looking for me. Is it that she doesn't trust me or is she just clingy?
Response: It could be either of those reasons. Could be a bit of both. Some people are very clingy and they mistake this for love. It is fine to want to spend time with your loved one but not too much time. And there is indeed such as a thing as too much time!
If you spend every waking hour with your love, what on earth will have to talk about? We all need our personal space and time to spend with others. Which is great because it leaves something to talk about when you reconnect for lunch, dinner or whatever date you have planned.
Or, as you asked, she may not trust you. The reason can vary. She may feel you've given her reason to be suspicious of your whereabouts and activities. Or it may be a trust issue she has because of some past relationship gone wrong. This is something only you can figure out. Talking to her is a great way to start.
If it is pure fascination and she is clingy you need to make her understand that while you care for her and love the time you have together, you also need your personal time. As well as she does. You both need to maintain a portion of the lives you had before your relationship started. You need to have your own interests and thoughts. Try easing her into it, making a set day each week where it's guys night & girls night so you both are busy with your own friends.
If it is a trust issue because a past relationship, you need to express that you are not the person from her past and should not pay for his mistakes. Though it may be hard, she needs to let that go so you can start with a clean slate. I fully believe that without some level of trust there can be no relationship of value. She needs to allow you to earn her trust by giving you freedom and dealing with betrayal if it occurs. We have to realize that monitoring someones every move is not going to prevent them from wrong doing.
If you've given her a reason not to trust you, then that is on you. Such as prior cheating or lying. You have to rebuild that trust and redeem yourself. You lost her trust, yet you remained in the relationship. Therefore you have to deal with how she chooses to react to your betrayal. If you cannot deal with her lack of trust in you then maybe your mistake is also your loss. Because you should not stay in the relationship if you cannot withstand the repercussions that follow your actions. She is entitled to her feelings at this point and if you truly do not want to lose her, you need to just deal with it for now.
Another reason you may not have thought about is lack of a social circle. Does your girlfriend have her own friend and hobbies? If she does not have many friends or have activities her main focus will be you, after all you would be just about the only connection she has. Try to get her into activities that allow her to interact with others. Maybe she can take some credit or non-credit classes at a local school or join clubs/causes that interest her.
Also, maybe it is a sign that she feels neglected. If someone does not feel you spend an adequate amount of time with them, they may constantly try to get your attention. If they do not get that attention they will take it as you being careless about them and the relationship. They may eventually give up on the relationship.
Whatever the reason for her lack of trust or clingy nature you must make it clear that it is not okay to harass your family or friends regarding your whereabouts. If there is not an emergency, this is just not acceptable.
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Response: It could be either of those reasons. Could be a bit of both. Some people are very clingy and they mistake this for love. It is fine to want to spend time with your loved one but not too much time. And there is indeed such as a thing as too much time!
If you spend every waking hour with your love, what on earth will have to talk about? We all need our personal space and time to spend with others. Which is great because it leaves something to talk about when you reconnect for lunch, dinner or whatever date you have planned.
Or, as you asked, she may not trust you. The reason can vary. She may feel you've given her reason to be suspicious of your whereabouts and activities. Or it may be a trust issue she has because of some past relationship gone wrong. This is something only you can figure out. Talking to her is a great way to start.
If it is pure fascination and she is clingy you need to make her understand that while you care for her and love the time you have together, you also need your personal time. As well as she does. You both need to maintain a portion of the lives you had before your relationship started. You need to have your own interests and thoughts. Try easing her into it, making a set day each week where it's guys night & girls night so you both are busy with your own friends.
If it is a trust issue because a past relationship, you need to express that you are not the person from her past and should not pay for his mistakes. Though it may be hard, she needs to let that go so you can start with a clean slate. I fully believe that without some level of trust there can be no relationship of value. She needs to allow you to earn her trust by giving you freedom and dealing with betrayal if it occurs. We have to realize that monitoring someones every move is not going to prevent them from wrong doing.
If you've given her a reason not to trust you, then that is on you. Such as prior cheating or lying. You have to rebuild that trust and redeem yourself. You lost her trust, yet you remained in the relationship. Therefore you have to deal with how she chooses to react to your betrayal. If you cannot deal with her lack of trust in you then maybe your mistake is also your loss. Because you should not stay in the relationship if you cannot withstand the repercussions that follow your actions. She is entitled to her feelings at this point and if you truly do not want to lose her, you need to just deal with it for now.
Another reason you may not have thought about is lack of a social circle. Does your girlfriend have her own friend and hobbies? If she does not have many friends or have activities her main focus will be you, after all you would be just about the only connection she has. Try to get her into activities that allow her to interact with others. Maybe she can take some credit or non-credit classes at a local school or join clubs/causes that interest her.
Also, maybe it is a sign that she feels neglected. If someone does not feel you spend an adequate amount of time with them, they may constantly try to get your attention. If they do not get that attention they will take it as you being careless about them and the relationship. They may eventually give up on the relationship.
Whatever the reason for her lack of trust or clingy nature you must make it clear that it is not okay to harass your family or friends regarding your whereabouts. If there is not an emergency, this is just not acceptable.
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That's My Ex, Get Your Own!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Scenario: My friend is trying to hook up with my ex, she told me they've already went out a few times. I was with him for 4 years until he cheated and broke my heart. She was there for me through it all and I can't believe she would do this to me! What kind of friend is that?
Response: The kind of friend that is, is one that cannot be trusted! We all know there is an unwritten rule amongst friends: The ex is off limits! We should not go after someone a friend was previously involved with. It can lead to so much unnecessary drama. People need to think about whether it is worth risking friendship to pursue a relationship that may not even last.
Another point is that your friend was wrong to date your ex without even discussing it with you before hand. If she was going to break the friend code she should have at least had the respect to give you a heads up and get your input. Your feelings were not considered in this situation. She knew how badly you were hurt by this guy and to choose to date a known cheater over maintaining a friendship is simply foolish.
You need to decide if this is the type of friend you really need in your life. If you decide to keep the friendship going, you may want to keep a close eye on her intentions in the future. Most likely you will always have a trust issue with her from this point on. When your next boyfriend comes along, you will always wonder if she likes him more than she should or if she will go after him as well.
I personally feel that someone with such disregard for your feelings is not a true friend. If I were in your situation, I would consider this person a waste of space in my friend circle. I prefer to cut drama out off as soon as I see the sign that it is on the way and in your situation there is definitely potential for drama. However, everyone feels differently. So if you decide to continue with this person if your life, take my advice and keep your eyes wide open until she earns your trust back.
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Response: The kind of friend that is, is one that cannot be trusted! We all know there is an unwritten rule amongst friends: The ex is off limits! We should not go after someone a friend was previously involved with. It can lead to so much unnecessary drama. People need to think about whether it is worth risking friendship to pursue a relationship that may not even last.
Another point is that your friend was wrong to date your ex without even discussing it with you before hand. If she was going to break the friend code she should have at least had the respect to give you a heads up and get your input. Your feelings were not considered in this situation. She knew how badly you were hurt by this guy and to choose to date a known cheater over maintaining a friendship is simply foolish.
You need to decide if this is the type of friend you really need in your life. If you decide to keep the friendship going, you may want to keep a close eye on her intentions in the future. Most likely you will always have a trust issue with her from this point on. When your next boyfriend comes along, you will always wonder if she likes him more than she should or if she will go after him as well.
I personally feel that someone with such disregard for your feelings is not a true friend. If I were in your situation, I would consider this person a waste of space in my friend circle. I prefer to cut drama out off as soon as I see the sign that it is on the way and in your situation there is definitely potential for drama. However, everyone feels differently. So if you decide to continue with this person if your life, take my advice and keep your eyes wide open until she earns your trust back.
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Get Off My Sofa!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Scenario: My little brother has been staying with me since he got kicked out of his girlfriend's apartment a few months ago. He's driving me nuts! I want him out but I don't want to be a bad sister. What would you do?
Response: Let me start by saying that in no way would you be a bad sister for wanting your brother to move out of your home. It shows that you are a loving sister for the mere fact that you allowed him to stay there at all! I feel for you, we all love our personal space!
If you did not establish a general length of stay from the start, now is the time to address the issue. Decide how much longer you can handle him being there before he completely drives you up the wall. Also, try to think of how much time he realistically needs to get a place of his own or find an alternative living situation.
If he is paying rent or utilities while he is staying with you, you may want to nix that so he saves his money to get out of your hair even sooner! Once you have a deadline in place, make it clear to him that you mean business. Let him know you will help as much as you can but you have your own responsibilities to take care of.
Again, wanting your brother out and setting demands does not make you a bad sister. The fact that you are siblings does not mean you are responsible for each other. It does not require you to take care of him or give him the right to live off of you. Try to hang in there and make sure you set those goals to avoid any damage to your relationship on account of driving each other crazy under one roof!
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Response: Let me start by saying that in no way would you be a bad sister for wanting your brother to move out of your home. It shows that you are a loving sister for the mere fact that you allowed him to stay there at all! I feel for you, we all love our personal space!
If you did not establish a general length of stay from the start, now is the time to address the issue. Decide how much longer you can handle him being there before he completely drives you up the wall. Also, try to think of how much time he realistically needs to get a place of his own or find an alternative living situation.
If he is paying rent or utilities while he is staying with you, you may want to nix that so he saves his money to get out of your hair even sooner! Once you have a deadline in place, make it clear to him that you mean business. Let him know you will help as much as you can but you have your own responsibilities to take care of.
Again, wanting your brother out and setting demands does not make you a bad sister. The fact that you are siblings does not mean you are responsible for each other. It does not require you to take care of him or give him the right to live off of you. Try to hang in there and make sure you set those goals to avoid any damage to your relationship on account of driving each other crazy under one roof!
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Take a Picture, It Lasts Longer!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Scenario:My boyfriend is always staring at other girls. Right in front of me! It makes me feel really low about myself and I get so mad at the girls he looks at. When I tell him to stop he just laughs at me and says I am overreacting. He needs to stop or else he will be single!
Response: This is classic. Okay, both men and women look at the opposite sex. However their is a huge difference between a glance and a stare. The latter is disrespectful. I do not understand why you are upset at the women your boyfriend stares at though. It is not their fault that he has wandering eyes.
You need to tell him how you feel. Not in a jealous psycho kind of way, this is where his laughter comes in. Talk to him in a sincere "this hurts me" manner. Don't do it in the heat of the moment. Bring the topic up when your eating dinner in private. Don't talk at him, talk to him. Have a discussion telling him how you feel and listen to what he has to say for himself as well. Let him know this is affecting your self esteem, trust in him and the relationship in general.
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Response: This is classic. Okay, both men and women look at the opposite sex. However their is a huge difference between a glance and a stare. The latter is disrespectful. I do not understand why you are upset at the women your boyfriend stares at though. It is not their fault that he has wandering eyes.
You need to tell him how you feel. Not in a jealous psycho kind of way, this is where his laughter comes in. Talk to him in a sincere "this hurts me" manner. Don't do it in the heat of the moment. Bring the topic up when your eating dinner in private. Don't talk at him, talk to him. Have a discussion telling him how you feel and listen to what he has to say for himself as well. Let him know this is affecting your self esteem, trust in him and the relationship in general.
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