Shadow, Shadow Everywhere!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Scenario: My girl is always around. She wants to be with me every spare minute and when we're not together she's calling and texting. She even calls my family and friends looking for me. Is it that she doesn't trust me or is she just clingy?
Response: It could be either of those reasons. Could be a bit of both. Some people are very clingy and they mistake this for love. It is fine to want to spend time with your loved one but not too much time. And there is indeed such as a thing as too much time!
If you spend every waking hour with your love, what on earth will have to talk about? We all need our personal space and time to spend with others. Which is great because it leaves something to talk about when you reconnect for lunch, dinner or whatever date you have planned.
Or, as you asked, she may not trust you. The reason can vary. She may feel you've given her reason to be suspicious of your whereabouts and activities. Or it may be a trust issue she has because of some past relationship gone wrong. This is something only you can figure out. Talking to her is a great way to start.
If it is pure fascination and she is clingy you need to make her understand that while you care for her and love the time you have together, you also need your personal time. As well as she does. You both need to maintain a portion of the lives you had before your relationship started. You need to have your own interests and thoughts. Try easing her into it, making a set day each week where it's guys night & girls night so you both are busy with your own friends.
If it is a trust issue because a past relationship, you need to express that you are not the person from her past and should not pay for his mistakes. Though it may be hard, she needs to let that go so you can start with a clean slate. I fully believe that without some level of trust there can be no relationship of value. She needs to allow you to earn her trust by giving you freedom and dealing with betrayal if it occurs. We have to realize that monitoring someones every move is not going to prevent them from wrong doing.
If you've given her a reason not to trust you, then that is on you. Such as prior cheating or lying. You have to rebuild that trust and redeem yourself. You lost her trust, yet you remained in the relationship. Therefore you have to deal with how she chooses to react to your betrayal. If you cannot deal with her lack of trust in you then maybe your mistake is also your loss. Because you should not stay in the relationship if you cannot withstand the repercussions that follow your actions. She is entitled to her feelings at this point and if you truly do not want to lose her, you need to just deal with it for now.
Another reason you may not have thought about is lack of a social circle. Does your girlfriend have her own friend and hobbies? If she does not have many friends or have activities her main focus will be you, after all you would be just about the only connection she has. Try to get her into activities that allow her to interact with others. Maybe she can take some credit or non-credit classes at a local school or join clubs/causes that interest her.
Also, maybe it is a sign that she feels neglected. If someone does not feel you spend an adequate amount of time with them, they may constantly try to get your attention. If they do not get that attention they will take it as you being careless about them and the relationship. They may eventually give up on the relationship.
Whatever the reason for her lack of trust or clingy nature you must make it clear that it is not okay to harass your family or friends regarding your whereabouts. If there is not an emergency, this is just not acceptable.
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Response: It could be either of those reasons. Could be a bit of both. Some people are very clingy and they mistake this for love. It is fine to want to spend time with your loved one but not too much time. And there is indeed such as a thing as too much time!
If you spend every waking hour with your love, what on earth will have to talk about? We all need our personal space and time to spend with others. Which is great because it leaves something to talk about when you reconnect for lunch, dinner or whatever date you have planned.
Or, as you asked, she may not trust you. The reason can vary. She may feel you've given her reason to be suspicious of your whereabouts and activities. Or it may be a trust issue she has because of some past relationship gone wrong. This is something only you can figure out. Talking to her is a great way to start.
If it is pure fascination and she is clingy you need to make her understand that while you care for her and love the time you have together, you also need your personal time. As well as she does. You both need to maintain a portion of the lives you had before your relationship started. You need to have your own interests and thoughts. Try easing her into it, making a set day each week where it's guys night & girls night so you both are busy with your own friends.
If it is a trust issue because a past relationship, you need to express that you are not the person from her past and should not pay for his mistakes. Though it may be hard, she needs to let that go so you can start with a clean slate. I fully believe that without some level of trust there can be no relationship of value. She needs to allow you to earn her trust by giving you freedom and dealing with betrayal if it occurs. We have to realize that monitoring someones every move is not going to prevent them from wrong doing.
If you've given her a reason not to trust you, then that is on you. Such as prior cheating or lying. You have to rebuild that trust and redeem yourself. You lost her trust, yet you remained in the relationship. Therefore you have to deal with how she chooses to react to your betrayal. If you cannot deal with her lack of trust in you then maybe your mistake is also your loss. Because you should not stay in the relationship if you cannot withstand the repercussions that follow your actions. She is entitled to her feelings at this point and if you truly do not want to lose her, you need to just deal with it for now.
Another reason you may not have thought about is lack of a social circle. Does your girlfriend have her own friend and hobbies? If she does not have many friends or have activities her main focus will be you, after all you would be just about the only connection she has. Try to get her into activities that allow her to interact with others. Maybe she can take some credit or non-credit classes at a local school or join clubs/causes that interest her.
Also, maybe it is a sign that she feels neglected. If someone does not feel you spend an adequate amount of time with them, they may constantly try to get your attention. If they do not get that attention they will take it as you being careless about them and the relationship. They may eventually give up on the relationship.
Whatever the reason for her lack of trust or clingy nature you must make it clear that it is not okay to harass your family or friends regarding your whereabouts. If there is not an emergency, this is just not acceptable.
