Old Skeletons
Monday, February 9, 2009
Scenario: My ex and I split about 2 years ago but are still friends. Really our friendship is stronger than our relationship ever was! I ran into a friend of his who hinted that he cheated while we were together. Should I ask him if he ever cheated?
Response: Well there are two separate issues to explore here. First you need to examine why your ex's friend would out him like that. Surely he knows you two still speak. So that would immediately make me wonder what his motive was for putting this suspicion in your head.
He may have genuinely wanted you to know or carelessly let it slip out. But he may just be an instigator or have a crush on you. Think about the motive and then ask yourself if you can trust this person.
Now, as far as asking your ex if he cheated, I personally would not bother unless their is a question of your health (i.e. you had unprotected sex). You have to look at the big picture here. You say your friendship is better than ever, why take a chance ruining that? It is rare that relationships end with friendship. Asking this question may or may not end your friendship but it most likely will damage it to some extent because you will be showing a lack of trust and some insecurity.
You need to ask yourself a few questions. If he admits cheating will it change the friendship on your part? Would you be upset even though you are no longer together? Will knowing mistakes from the past affect your life or feelings now? If the answers to those questions are no, then ask yourself this: why on earth would the answer matter? If it is not going to affect anything now then there is no point in dredging up the past.
Now as I said, I would not bother unless I was worried for a health reason. In which point the best bet is to simply go get a check up for all STD's if you have not done so since your breakup. If something turns up, then yes, address the issue with him. Because at that point he needs to know about the health concern as well as notify anyone he may have been intimate with. But unless this is the case, I would let it go. Breakups are hard enough, why bring back pain and/or drama when you are at such a good point?
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Response: Well there are two separate issues to explore here. First you need to examine why your ex's friend would out him like that. Surely he knows you two still speak. So that would immediately make me wonder what his motive was for putting this suspicion in your head.
He may have genuinely wanted you to know or carelessly let it slip out. But he may just be an instigator or have a crush on you. Think about the motive and then ask yourself if you can trust this person.
Now, as far as asking your ex if he cheated, I personally would not bother unless their is a question of your health (i.e. you had unprotected sex). You have to look at the big picture here. You say your friendship is better than ever, why take a chance ruining that? It is rare that relationships end with friendship. Asking this question may or may not end your friendship but it most likely will damage it to some extent because you will be showing a lack of trust and some insecurity.
You need to ask yourself a few questions. If he admits cheating will it change the friendship on your part? Would you be upset even though you are no longer together? Will knowing mistakes from the past affect your life or feelings now? If the answers to those questions are no, then ask yourself this: why on earth would the answer matter? If it is not going to affect anything now then there is no point in dredging up the past.
Now as I said, I would not bother unless I was worried for a health reason. In which point the best bet is to simply go get a check up for all STD's if you have not done so since your breakup. If something turns up, then yes, address the issue with him. Because at that point he needs to know about the health concern as well as notify anyone he may have been intimate with. But unless this is the case, I would let it go. Breakups are hard enough, why bring back pain and/or drama when you are at such a good point?
